Dave & I have a running document of the absurd or comical things said in the company of our kids (frankly, either by them or by us).
Some favorites from J:
*****
(Birthday included treats at school, water play, and a live musician, plus we picked J up early to go to the park’s splash pad/playground/beach AND had neighbors over for cake)
Gigi: happy birthday, J! What did you do today??
J: I got sunscreen in my eyes.
June 2019, 4 years old
*****
Me: don’t forget to wash your armpit.
J: yep, and my legpit. *Scrubbing behind his knee*
July 2020, 5 years old
*****
Me: Ohh, J. You’re so wonderful. I’m so glad you’re mine. I mean, I’m so glad I grew you. Haha! I mean, you grew yourself, but I provided the uterus. We make a pretty good team, you & I.
J (after a few seconds, thoughtfully): Although… you did grow a baby who likes to eat his own boogers.
March 2021, 5 years old
*****
(Walking to the bus stop)
J: pretend we’re strangers.
Me: okay. Hi, I’m Kel; what’s your name?
J: no, I mean, pretend we’re strangers who live in different houses but we’re best friends.
Me: oh, okay. Oh hey, J! How’s your morning going?? Haven’t seen you.
J: hi. (Pause) okay, now pretend we’re volcanoes.
April 2021, 5 years old
*****
Today’s addition:
Me: boys, this is the second mini-flashlight we’ve found tucked into C’s sleepers today already. Do not put things in his clothes.
J: that’s not a flashlight, Mom. Those are C’s boosters.
December 2021, 6 years old
When I take a picture of my husband that he didn’t ask for:
When my husband takes a picture of me that I did ask for:
I cleaned out my purse last week so it was just essentials. I removed trash, five Dum Dums lollipops, and EIGHT writing utensils. One weekend later, this is what it contains:
1 x set of keys
1 x wallet
1 x kindergarten “walk-a-thon” paperwork packet
1 x McDonald’s receipt
1 x children’s nail clipper
1 x Blow Pop
1 x set of headphones
1 x fine point permanent marker
1 x partially eaten beef stick
1 x Matchbox car
1 x travel sunscreen – SPF 100
2 x grocery lists
2 x sunglasses
3 x tissues
3 x acorns
4 x chapsticks or lip glosses
4 x face masks (2 for kids, 2 for adults)
And $.25.
So essentially as long as I’m not in a position where I have 8 documents that must be signed simultaneously, I feel pretty well equipped to take on the world.
You haven’t lived until you’ve changed a diaper while being swarmed by bees.
I was leaving my OB check-up yesterday and a middle-aged man working in some medical capacity at the center joined me in the elevator. He eyed my belly, smiled, and asked,
“First baby?”
“No, this is my fourth,” I smiled back.
“Oh, really? Same husband?”
So… there’s that.
Not all children’s books are created equal. But the more titles we accumulate on our library cards, the more hilarious I find some of the adult commentary on children’s books. A few favorites:
- An Open Letter to the Female Hat-Wearing Dog From “Go Dog, Go”
- Topher Fixed It – Parody Alternate Endings to Beloved but Problematic Children’s Literature
- All of my Issues With the “Goodnight Moon” Bedroom
And of course, the movie equivalents as well.
