life with four boys is
a lot like dessert at the
local biker bar.
Related: “bottle service” haiku // how we learned about this bar’s family-friendliness.
THE OUT AND ABOUT EDITION
*****
Dave, pointing out signs for J to practice reading as we drive: look, J, another Applebee’s.
J: oh, yeah.
Dave, pointing at hospital across the road: and that’s where O, A, and C were born.
J: was I not born there?
Dave: no, you were born at a different hospital because we didn’t live around here yet.
O, pensively: I was born in… an Applebee’s.
April 2022, 4 years old
*****
Me: O! Oh my gosh, where did you find an arm?! Go put that mannequin’s arm back on her body wherever she is!
April 2022, 4 years old
*****
(Loudly, in the stall of a crowded public restroom)
O: I like your underwear, Mom!
Me: oh! Well, thank you.
O: I really like your underwear, Mom! It’s like princess underwear!
The large group of women waiting in line as we exit the stall: 🙂
February 2022, 4 years old
Scientists begin research on a newly documented pediatric medical condition. Ailment is triggered by environmental shift — namely to the parent’s bed in the early morning hours.
Observable symptoms:
Child exhibits gravitational pull towards parent’s body, and then seems to spontaneously generate at least 8 additional elbows and knees which are used as unconscious weapons of assault.
While not thought to cause permanent damage to the child, there are strong early indicators that the resulting poor night’s sleep is indeed contagious to adults.
- Iced coffee year-round. I get it.
- “Being rich doesn’t mean her horse can’t die/ her husband can’t die/ she can’t die/ she can wear a hat well.”
- “My willingness to judge something should be proportional to how much I know about it” or “Nine-year-old me was not in fact smarter than Toyota engineers.” — a great philosophy either way.
- Happy Friday!
Is there any amount of context that could make these make sense?
*****
J: if I ever get a hippo, I’m naming it Kel.
January 2022, 6 years old
*****
Me, shouting from the upstairs hallway, at 7am: is this an empty bag of hot dogs?? Boys, where did all the uncooked hot dogs go??
*****
Dave: is this how you always imagined motherhood would be?
Me: honestly, I grossly underestimated the amount Scatman would be involved.
I find myself optimistically clicking these ads after conducting this search.
A is our resident instigator. He’s 2.5 years old now, and in the span of 1 week, he covertly switched the dryer settings to “air fluff” (causing a minor panic as our loads kept coming out damp and we were sure we’d need to get a repair scheduled ASAP), snaked my mom’s vaccination card from her purse (which she didn’t discover until getting ready to go to the theater where she needed her proof of vaccination for entry), and changed the temperature settings on our home hub to 50*.
To better illustrate the type of ‘tude this tot often rocks, I present the 2nd episode of “overheard,” this time featuring snippets of A during our recent long drives:
*****
(25 minutes into a 10 hour drive, after having spotted the tiniest glimpse of a Pringles can)
“I just want the chips. I just want the chips. I just want the chips.”
(Repeat for 10 minutes straight in toddler bass vocal range.)
*****
(Practicing how to politely interrupt)
A: excuse me?
Dave: yes, A?
A: don’t talk to me!
*****
A: hi, Mom!
Me: hi, A! I love you!
A (smiles sweetly): I love chips!
*****
A: Mom?
Me: yes, A?
A: no, I’m talking to DAD.
*****
(After Dave agreed to share a few sips of his Powerade)
A: You can have the rest, Dad.
Dave (reaches back to take the bottle): aw, thank you, A. That was so nice of you to save some for–
