There have been a few occasions recently when I learned of people going through a challenging life event — the kind of event that will result in them measuring time as “before” or “after” it happened. It’s intimidating to know what to say in those situations, and humbling to know that there is nothing you can realistically do to materially help assuage their pain.
That said, and while I won’t claim to be any kind of an expert, I do think I’ve stumbled into some practices that have worked:
- Put it in writing.
I always reach out via email or text as a first pass. This serves several functions:
A) It gives you time to craft the right tone, which can feel clunky in sensitive situations.
B) You can explicitly state that they do not need to respond to you at all if they’re not up to it.
C) Because it’s not live or in real-time, they don’t need to “perform” a reaction for you (including appreciation for your outreach). They can focus on what you mean to convey, which is to…
- Suggest specific ways you can help.
None of these “let me know how I can help” banalities — give them a “menu” of pre-vetted ideas and make it easy for them to green-light things, and get the ball rolling that way.
Examples:
A) Sending care packages of activities for kids – either to buy their parents a little time to mentally breathe, or simply give them something novel to do during the sometimes torturous waiting period. I love the “mess free” coloring kits or epic bubble bath supplies for this one.
B) Ordering an Instacart delivery of groceries, or DoorDashing dinner on set days of the week so they can remove the mental load of meal planning or stopping at the store amidst the early stages of adjusting to a new trauma.
C) Offering to come let the dog out periodically or watch their kids for part of the day. Make it so they don’t need to return home while they may be busy with hospital visits or prepping logistics to accommodate a new situation, and try to bake in a way for them to have their spouse with them so they have their own support on-hand, too.
- Make it about you.
Even in their lowest moments, it’s hard for people to accept help when they know they can’t reciprocate. I address this head-on by reminding them what’s in it for me: the privilege of being helpful in a moment someone needs it.
Here’s how I phrased it to a friend recently after I tossed out a couple of ideas: “please let me help if these things would be at all useful – or if anything else comes to mind. Imagine if the situation was reversed and how desperately you’d want to do something to feel like you lightened the smallest bit of load for your friend in a difficult moment.”
Here’s how I phrased it to a relative stranger who will never be in a position to “repay” our exchange: “it’s not often we get to feel like we can personally ‘pay forward’ the many kindnesses we all rack up in life, so I appreciate you letting me feel like I can play a small part of your fresh beginning.”
Be good to each other.
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