I was reflecting recently on how much can happen before the “work” part of one’s day even begins. In my case, by the time I sit down at my 9am meeting, I may have…
- – Finished the Wordle. Or not finished the Wordle, but spent 15 minutes convincing myself the answer must be some esoteric proper noun that sneaked into the master list.
- – Completed my morning workout. Sometimes that also involves…
…turning on the subtitles and reading the instructor’s cues because I’m being scolded by one of my sons that it’s “too noisy!” as he watches cartoons nearby, and I don’t want to unclip to close the door between rooms.
…watching helplessly as I spot one of the boys amble over to a cache of sweets left on the basement bar and go ham on sugar first thing in the morning, because I don’t want to unclip to intercept him.
…getting a Nest cam notification that there’s motion in one of the rooms, and the thumbnail shows my 3-year-old’s bare bottom flash past the screen… a sign he has taken his morning potty break and may unwittingly but urgently be in need of assistance wiping… in which case I do indeed frantically unclip and noisily slide on my bike shoes all the way through the house to give him a hand. - – Showered and thrown my hair into a wet top knot as per my “signature look” for almost 5 years now.
- – Fed 4 children breakfast (they can already easily consume a loaf of cinnamon toast and carton of strawberries between them… please send help for the teenage years).
- – Changed the 2 youngest out of night diapers and into clothes.
- – Stripped a bed and started a load of laundry after someone wet the bed. OR stripped a child and started a disinfecting effort after someone wet… the floor.
- – Loaded 4 boys into the car, including motivational praise, thinly veiled threats, and pretty intense negotiations regarding the fact that a favorite dump truck toy may join us for the ride, but may not go all the way into school.
- – Loaded 4 boys out of the car, in the rain, with only one umbrella, on a day when we had to park unusually far from the daycare entrance. Because the middle bros are evidently related to the Wicked Witch (must be their father’s side of the family) and at risk of melting in the rain, they walked under the umbrella, J sprinted inside leaving all of his school supplies in the car for me to fumble with as I carried C clumsily in with both of us getting drenched. But because my signature look is a wet top knot to start the day, no one noticed except that C looked like he had recently gone surfing.
- – Driven a 50 minute commute.
- – Budgeted time to use the restroom because no matter which combinations of the above events happened that morning, I have already been up for 3.5 hours and am 3 cups of coffee deep by 8:58AM.
Related: another one of my favorite ways to start the day // it’s manageable provided you have not been affected by this contagious affliction.
There are few ways I prefer to spend a day than slathered up in sunscreen, basking in the sun’s warmth, and watching my kids unintentionally accrue deceptively high volumes of sand in their hair and bathing suits as they happily play. Something about the tranquility of the water, the inability to multi-task with something “productive,” the resignation to the mess as such a small price to pay for so much joy…
Some people bring books, or beach chairs, or headphones to the beach; signs of quiet stillness. Others bring coolers filled with libations, equipment for a sand volleyball game, devices to photograph those sun-kissed moments; signs of social livelihood.
For this life stage, my beach scene must-haves:
1. Snacks: Twizzlers, classic potato chips, and an ice-cold Coke, poured over a massive, brightly colored [plastic] glass of ice (thank my grandma for this one — she drank Coke like this year-round, but this image will forever remind me of warm weather and vacations with her). Food pyramid be damned; there is nothing quite like junk food snacking while spending extended periods in the water.
2. A cute beach bag, even if I’m only just stepping a few feet from our patio. I secretly coveted these Peloton Mom cult-followed Bogg Bags, and these reclaimed sail bags, but fortunately my mom intercepted me before I over-spent and made me this darling mesh-bottomed bag featuring the Lake Michigan fan favorite and state stone, the Petoskey!
3. Sun coverage for the fairest skinned of us. Long-sleeved rash shirts for the older bros (dual purpose: element protection and less time spent literally wrestling my ticklish children into many more square inches of sunscreen application) and this comically large sun hat for C. At some point it dawned on me that this hat is a bit Handmaid’s-Tale-esque, but if that’s the cost of maximum coverage… praise be.
Related: time at the pool // speaking of Peloton moms…
THE “LIFE WITH BOYS” EDITION
*****
At A’s 3 year well check:
Pediatrician: oh dear, look at all these bruises on you, A! Where did these all come from? *Pauses and, when he doesn’t answer, looks up at me expectantly*
Me (literally starts to laugh out loud): oh I’m sorry, do you actually think I can keep track of this information with four boys??
July 2022
*****
Closing in on 30 minutes of an attempted family photo shoot during which the boys went from various states of jumping to fighting to running around and dragging props across the studio floor:
Photographer: you know what, let’s just… let’s just embrace the motion. Dave, Kel, why don’t you stand in the middle and we’ll have the boys just… um, how about they run in a circle around you??
July 2022
*****
Walking over to a play date at a friend’s house:
Me: please make sure to mind your manners when you’re over there, okay, J? Share toys, take turns, and try to be extra nice to Weston’s little sister. Do you remember her name?
J: um… no.
Me: it’s Cameron. It’s her house, too, so please make sure to include her and be kind if she wants to play with you guys.
J: okay. So… wait. Is she his… little brother? Or big brother?
— July 2022, 7 years old
*****
As I was typing up this post, I received the following Google Opinion Rewards survey prompt. If there was a “1000% yes I have but TBH I have had better” option, I would have selected it from the drop-down menu.
Related: tell me you’re a boy mom without telling me you’re a boy mom // pronoun confusion
Me, at 6:45am: A, what is all over your face?
A: um… it was ice cream, Mom.
Me: Oh. …did you make a mess?
A, sincerely and without shame: I did, Mom.
^Please note: soup ladle (his “scooper”) and remains of his ice cream cone. Kid commits to the experience, and you have to respect that.
Before anyone fret over my 3-year-old’s decidedly unhealthy breakfast this morning, please note in the background of the photo that he also helped himself to half a “clem” and, of course, an apple that he’ll surely come back to later.
Related: we have been here before // parenting hack: healthy snacks
FIRST BORN
1st birthday falls on a Tuesday, has family birthday party the Saturday immediately preceding
Spends actual birth day with his parents
Has 1st sweets at his 1st birthday party
Is fully dressed for 1st cupcake experience
Receives a plethora of age-appropriate gifts
Has his favorite dinner: pork tenderloin and fruit
Designer candle atop smash cupcake
Celebrates his first year surrounded by people who love him
FOURTH BORN
1st birthday falls on a Saturday, has a joint family party with 2 of his brothers 1 month beforehand
Spends actual birthday in part at his grandparents as his parents + brothers attend the birthday party of friends
Has 1st sweets sometime around the 9 month mark because Dad likes to treat to doughnuts on Dad + lads days
Is stripped to diaper and bib for 1st cupcake
Receives almost nothing except token items after his parents request “no gifts” for the party
Has leftovers and bananas
Used designer candle atop smash cupcake
Celebrates his first year surrounded by people who love him… including 3 wonderful brothers
Since I began this chapter of life not quite 8 years ago, I have spent 3 years growing babies, 3.5 years nursing babies, and 1.25 years in between during which I was a free agent (minus that whole still being legally and ethically and financially and existentially responsible for said babies).
I weaned C last week, and did so without turning into a blubbery, emotional mess — another feather in my cap of motherhood accomplishments, thankyouverymuch. But really, while the sentimentality of the moment threatened to get the best of me, I faced it with 2 strategies:
- Some good, old-fashioned repression
- A healthy dose of self-reflection and gratitude
During these many years, I gained weight. My feet grew. My breasts shrank… and grew… and then shrank even more. I lost so much hair that I once clogged a hotel shower drain after only 3 washes. I limited the types of medication I could take based on potential interactions with the baby or my milk supply. Per the number of blood draws and IVs I’ve undergone, I can say with full medical confidence that I have “tricky veins” — that it’s worth calling the expert CRNA before the floor nurses “blow out” all the traditionally comfortable places to insert an IV and someone ends up needing to change my blood-spattered towels before the action even begins. I missed meetings, and social events, and sleep to hook myself up to a breast pump, where I spent hundreds of hours isolated and with an uncomfortable resignation to feeling like an animal.
Most of all, I grew and delivered and sustained 4 babies.
For the very real and very permanent price my body has paid over these intensely high-stakes years, and for the off-the-charts positive ROI as a result of that price, I officially adopt a near-zero tolerance policy for any negative body talk. I am not (usually) one for overt and shameless self-congratulations, but this moment feels like it warrants an exception: what. a. champ.
Finally, it’s helpful to remember that this milestone is not just about me. Each time I wean, it means more opportunities for Dave to participate and enjoy the tender bedtime routine with his sons. Clearly, he is quite effective at soothing to sleep.
Related: announcing my pregnancy with C // I come back to this anytime I typo “pregnant”
After a wonderful week+ on vacation, O & I are hanging “up north” — just the two of us — as he was the only bro to get into a local day camp. The ability to work remotely, with my child safely engaged in outdoor activity for the entirety of the day, from the comfort of our home-away-from-home sure sounds ideal, but in practice, I was anxious on Sunday night as I prepped for the week.
For starters, O is our second born, and, while he is uncannily brave in moments when he needs to be, he’s not used to trailblazing without his brothers. In addition, he tends to freeze under pressure, so while many children may cry crocodile tears that evaporate as soon as their parents walk away, O is at risk of becoming inconsolable and retreating into a place of forlorn unresponsiveness for an extended period unless he has pretty undivided attention of someone aiming to resolve his woes.
All this to say, I was nervous about Monday morning drop-off at a camp that sounded promising but to which he had never been, particularly as he’d be going completely solo.
As a result, O & I conducted a reconnaissance mission on Sunday and came to scope out the camp. We puttered around the grounds and remarked on all the cool features, including winding trails through the woods, promisingly titled cabins (“library,” “workshop”), and beautiful beach section.
We then went to the store to pick up meal fixings per his selections — his first brown bag lunches! He chose: half a jelly sandwich, Pringles, applesauce, strawberries, baby carrots, and Mario fruit snacks. For snack, we froze yogurt pouches and packed them with goldfish crackers.
On Monday morning, he was in good spirits, and I resisted the urge to get frustrated as I wrestled him (literally, including fear of head injury as he thrashed about in a ticklish fit) to apply his base layer of sunscreen. We marched over to the check-in tent and made our way to the corral where the kids were playing until start time. O was just beginning to show signs of anxiety when a friendly little girl showed up behind us and asked where she was supposed to put her backpack. I clarified that we were told either one was fine, but that we were putting O’s with group A. She happily placed hers next to his, and told him she is “5 and a half years old.” O quietly replied that he’s “4 and a half,” and a friendship was born. I encouraged them to go together to the music garden a counselor had pointed out, but they quickly got bored and she instead showed him the way to the jungle gym, where they played with a 6-year-old who was wearing the same dinosaur “sweaty pants” (Target acquired) that O absolutely loves in his own wardrobe.
I let him know I would be heading out to work soon, gave him a kiss and a hug, and only loitered another few seconds before I walked away with him monkeying around with his new friends on the playground behind me. I tossed my bag (which had covertly housed his favorite stuffed Ankylosaurus in case of emergency comfort need) back into the passenger seat, and drove back home until 4pm pickup.
I guess after 4.5 years of being consistently impressed by this unassuming kid, I shouldn’t be surprised that he delivers in a pinch. On the other hand, it would be hard to overstate how happy I was to hear his joyful report as we drove home from the first day. Clearly he had a wonderful time, even if all he could specifically remember from his itinerary was that he “went swimming and had a snack.”
And if that wasn’t evidence enough of a busy day well-spent, he also spontaneously demanded to know “why are we not sleeping yet??” at 7:30pm that same night. By 7:35, he was sound asleep with “Anky,” resting up for his next big day at summer camp.
And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said
“Speak to us of children”
Your children are not your children
They are the sons and daughters of life’s longing for itself
They come through you but not from you
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you
You may give them your love but not your thoughts
For they have their own thoughts
You may house their bodies but not their souls
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow
Which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams
You may strive to be like them
But seek not to make them like you
For life goes not backward, nor tarries with yesterday
You are the bows from which your children
As living arrows are sent forth
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite
And he bends you with his might
That his arrows may go swift and far
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness
For even as he loves the arrow that flies
So he loves also the bow that is stable
– Kahlil Gibran