(AS OBSERVED FROM A HOUSE FULL OF TINY MEN, OVER BREAKFAST)
Me: today is International Women’s Day, boys! Do you all know what IWD is all about?
Boys: *shaking heads while consuming their way through the better part of a loaf of cinnamon toast*
Me: IWD is about celebrating the power and contributions of all the women around you. You guys know a lot of amazing women, don’t you?
Boys: yeah!
Me: like who?
J: you!
O: Gigi!
J: Ethan’s mom!
A: Aunt Erin!
Dave, walking into the room: but who is your favorite international woman today?!
O: Minnie Mouse!!
A few hours later, over a morning coffee chat with some distinguished international women in my professional world, I joked about starting my day with this moment of celebration and humility with my sons.
But then one of my colleagues quipped, “hey, Minnie is an international icon, small business owner, and entrepreneur; Happy Helpers anyone? Your son is onto something.”
Another woman chimed in, “yeah — plus she has a female business partner… and does it all in heels.”
Happy International Women’s Day, everyone.
Related: 3 ways I’ve tried to be intentional with my sons // The Ford Explorer: Men’s Only Edition (audio or sub-titles on!)
THE “INSIDE THE BRAIN OF OUR THREE YEAR OLD” EDITION
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A, upon turning 3 years old: Mommy? I’m a big boy now, so can I drive a firetruck now?
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A, apropos of absolutely nothing: Mom? I don’t see a pink garbage truck, Mom.
Me, looking around the kitchen: oh. Huh, yeah, me neither.
A, dejectedly: aww.
*****
“Hi Kel, it’s Jen from [daycare]. Just wanted to call and give you a heads up that A ate some chalk when he was playing outside. When his teacher went over to try to get it out of his mouth, he swallowed it. We’re giving him some liquid and he seems to be okay but he did… consume some chalk.”
*****
A: I want to call Gigi!
Dave: you want to call Gigi? Are you even done pooping yet though?
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A, after stubbing his toe: I hurt my… my… my foot thumb!
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A, contemplatively: mmm… which fork should I pick? This one will do.
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A: Daddy, you’re so big, like Mom! But Mom is a girl. Because Mom doesn’t have a penis anymore.
*****
A last week, when awoken in a 2am fit of anger: ugh! I just want someone to turn me into a dinosaur!
*****
Today in the living room, which is completely void of other company or noise; just the two of us:
A: Mom?
Me: *sipping a drink, turns to look directly at him*
A: Mom?
Me: *lowers drink, pointedly staring at him*
A: Mom?
Me: *continues staring, now smirking as I’m committed to see how far this will go, nods to offer every non-verbal cue that he has my attention*
A: …Mom?
Me: *sighs* yes, A?
A: Mom? I think maybe we should watch Frosty the Snowman again.
*****
Related: overheard on a road trip with A // overheard and in the bathroom.
Have you heard of this tradition of Booing your neighbors? Well, we got boo’d a couple of nights ago (but first Dave was insistent that we got ding-dong-ditched, which is a funny conclusion to draw given that ~60% of our neighborhood population are generally nice kids under the age of 12).
The next evening found us at Target, hell-bent on paying forward the fun. We checked out after loading up on assorted candies, Halloween-themed cocoa bombs, chocolate-covered pretzels, bat-shaped gummies, and a haunted gingerbread house kit. As the cashier tallied the items, a single apple (which A had impulse-added to our cart) rolled slowly around, unattended on the conveyor belt.
Cashier: is this your apple?
Me, solemnly: yes, thank you. We make healthy choices in our family.
Related: no, really, we model all kinds of good nutritional practices in our home // “A” is for apple?
THE “WHATCHA BEEN UP TO?” EDITION
It’s been a few weeks since my last post, so by way of explanation, I offer my readership (all 3 of you) a glimpse into quotes from the recent past.
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Me: O, stop hitting your brother with your Thor hammer.
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O, observing his feet stacked on top of each other as we read before bed: this foot is kind of like a volcano. And this one is like lava.
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Dave, hastily removing the faux nunchaku and tossing them in the closet: no weapons unless you can use them responsibly, boys.
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O: I love frosting; it’s like a blanket. Except you don’t go through it.
*****
Me: so let me get this straight. Your dad made you a delicious filet mignon and you consumed it in order to… qualify for a post-dinner hot dog?
J: …yeah.
*****
Me: A, put that down! Your dump truck is NOT a weapon.
*****
Otherwise spending no less than thirty-five minutes at daycare pickup as I had already snagged J & O from school first and therefore brought them in to pick up the little bros. Literally every. single. boy. had to have a bowel movement during the pickup process, and one of them clogged the toilet with his over-zealous toilet paper tendencies. But fear not: the daycare director, upon realizing I was still there 30+ minutes after I originally said my hellos in the lobby, assured me it was not a big deal to clog the toilet. After all, she said, when A did it just last week and flooded the hallway, they had cleaned it up no problem, so this clogging solved with a simple plunge was truly no biggie.
*****
Related: more O similes // A on a roadtrip.
THE “THINGS I NEED TO COMMUNICATE TO MY HUSBAND” EDITION
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Me, in a moment of sincere revelation, to Dave: ah, I see. I guess I really misunderstood the sword cane value proposition.
*****
Me, earnestly, to Dave first thing in the morning: don’t touch that shirt on the ground; it’s all wet from when A fell in the toilet.
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Me, sadly: that’s the empty jelly jar from when I spilled this morning. I wasted probably 80% of it.
Dave: aw, I’m sorry, Babe. But at least it’s not the worst spill we had this morning. Actually it’s probably a distant third after the entire box of pasta and all the water.
*****
Related: Overheard: is there any amount of context that would make this make sense?
THE “IN OFFICE AND ON BRAND” EDITION
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After an article was passed around mentioning the unearthing of a Mastodon skeleton in an unexpected place:
Me: did you know that the Mastodon is our state fossil?
Co-worker 1: …no? How do you know that?? You have a fun fact for everything. I feel like you must have a running notepad of facts that you want to keep track of.
Me: funny you should say that… I started a new book and it’s taking me forever to read because I keep pausing to take notes on all the interesting facts. *laughs and shows her my Google Keep app’s top sticky note*
*****
Not more than 20 minutes later in a separate meeting:
Co-worker 2: this word, ‘galvanize…’ this sounds like a word you would use.
Me: really?
Co-worker 2: yes, you always use these specific, long words. I’m going to start keeping a running doc of all the long words you use.
Me: oh my gosh, that’s too funny. But really, I do love using just the right word for just the right occasion. It’s so satisfying.
Co-worker 2: I’m sure! I bet you have a mental list of all your favorite words…
Me: funny you should say that…
THE “LIFE WITH BOYS” EDITION
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At A’s 3 year well check:
Pediatrician: oh dear, look at all these bruises on you, A! Where did these all come from? *Pauses and, when he doesn’t answer, looks up at me expectantly*
Me (literally starts to laugh out loud): oh I’m sorry, do you actually think I can keep track of this information with four boys??
July 2022
*****
Closing in on 30 minutes of an attempted family photo shoot during which the boys went from various states of jumping to fighting to running around and dragging props across the studio floor:
Photographer: you know what, let’s just… let’s just embrace the motion. Dave, Kel, why don’t you stand in the middle and we’ll have the boys just… um, how about they run in a circle around you??
July 2022
*****
Walking over to a play date at a friend’s house:
Me: please make sure to mind your manners when you’re over there, okay, J? Share toys, take turns, and try to be extra nice to Weston’s little sister. Do you remember her name?
J: um… no.
Me: it’s Cameron. It’s her house, too, so please make sure to include her and be kind if she wants to play with you guys.
J: okay. So… wait. Is she his… little brother? Or big brother?
— July 2022, 7 years old
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As I was typing up this post, I received the following Google Opinion Rewards survey prompt. If there was a “1000% yes I have but TBH I have had better” option, I would have selected it from the drop-down menu.
Related: tell me you’re a boy mom without telling me you’re a boy mom // pronoun confusion
Me, at 6:45am: A, what is all over your face?
A: um… it was ice cream, Mom.
Me: Oh. …did you make a mess?
A, sincerely and without shame: I did, Mom.
^Please note: soup ladle (his “scooper”) and remains of his ice cream cone. Kid commits to the experience, and you have to respect that.
Before anyone fret over my 3-year-old’s decidedly unhealthy breakfast this morning, please note in the background of the photo that he also helped himself to half a “clem” and, of course, an apple that he’ll surely come back to later.
Related: we have been here before // parenting hack: healthy snacks
